Monday, January 11, 2016

Believing in Myself

Happy Monday friends! If you follow me on Facebook, you might have seen my announcement that I am joining an amazing group of women and mamas at Des Moines Moms Blog. I will be contributing a post a month with the intention of creating a connection between other mama's and the community. I am so, so humbled, honored and grateful for this opportunity. Of course, in my post, I didn't go into detail about the conflict inside my own head... "you should apply, you shouldn't apply, what if you are really bad at it? Like really bad?" I kept returning to the site and looking at the requirements for applying and finally, impulsively, without letting myself think about it- I applied. When I clicked send, I might have actually had my eyes closed.

I didn't even tell Will I was thinking about applying and the night I applied, we were sitting on the couch, probably binging on Gilmore Girls, when I casually and randomly mentioned, "Oh hey, I applied to be a writer on this site- sounds fun, but I'm not expecting anything." He looked up from his computer, said, "Oh ok." and that was the end of the conversation. From the very beginning, I had an inner voice that was downplaying the situation. It isn't a big deal. No one else is probably as excited as you. You probably won't even get it.


Fast forward to December 30th. I was leaving work and got a notification that I had a new Facebook message. I was grappling with my purse, lunch bag, keys, phone and trying to lock the door. I looked down and saw the first few lines and my eyes zoomed in on "Des Moines Moms Blog." Once I got in the car, I read the full message and let it sink in. To be honest, since I didn't hear anything back shortly after applying, I  think I just mentally said "DELETED" and pretended it didn't even happen. Anyway, after messaging back and arranging a phone chat, I of course, accepted and was giddy with excitement. Since I downplayed it so much all the excitement I was holding in was multiplied and I finally allowed the excitement and hopefulness to set in and show.

So here's the thing. And the thing that I particularly want to highlight. I didn't let myself get excited about this opportunity because vulnerability. Because if I had told people I applied and gushed about how I was excited about it and how I hoped to get it, if it turned out I didn't get it- OUCH. So I did it in a way to protect myself. But in doing so- I wasn't authentic with myself, Will or others. I didn't let myself get vulnerable and as we know, vulnerability cultivates compassion, connection, authenticity and realness. Something that is a process for me but something I strive for daily. This was a theme that runs throughout my life and is more than just applying to Des Moines Moms Blog. I frequently don't let myself get excited about things in fear that they just won't happen.

This has shown me that I need to rip the bandaid off- close my eyes and take the leap. Be excited. Be hopeful. Believe in myself.

So, tell me what are YOU doing to rip the bandaid off? What big leaps of faith are you thinking about taking?